


Sell any dream to me

by Morgan_Le_Stray



Category: A Song of Ice and Fire - George R. R. Martin, Game of Thrones (TV)
Genre: Abusive Relationships, Addiction, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Angst, F/F, F/M, Friendship, Gambling, Healing, Hurt/Comfort, Mental Health Issues, Mention of Underage Sex, Queer Culture, Sibling Incest, Threats of Rape/Non-Con
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-08-28
Updated: 2019-09-01
Packaged: 2020-09-28 14:49:33
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 9,571
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20427734
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Morgan_Le_Stray/pseuds/Morgan_Le_Stray
Summary: ++Please read the tags++Maybe Brienne could have saved his soul but then who would have saved Cersei's? Not that saving her soul was what he was doing right now.Jaime has left Brienne to save Cersei and he has fallen into a dark place. Brienne is - with the help of her friends and family - trying to piece together what's left of her life without him but also determined to keep supporting Jaime from afar as much as she can. The two of them are still connected through irregular phone calls in the middle of the night. When Brienne's phone rings on a Sunday in the early afternoon though, the situation is changed profoundly.Modern-ish AU, with old fashioned phones, television and gay marriage but without the internet and cell phones. The universe is a mix of Westeros and North America because I didn't think it through in the beginning.





	1. He asks me how tha cat's been

**Author's Note:**

> This was inspired by a cheesy pop song and ended up not being cheesy at all (I guess). It is my very first fic so I'm quite nervous about it. Comments are highly appreciated.

**Jaime**

Following Cersei was like crashing into a pool of icy water in complete darkness. It was like shivering constantly, with no sense of space or time. 

Maybe Brienne could have saved his soul but then who would have saved Cersei 's? Not that saving her soul was what he was doing right now. 

The trip to Vegas had been right out of a nightmare so far. He had gotten used to Cersei 's cruelty long ago but he was not used to seeing her out of control. That had always been his part. She would conjure up demons and then he would have to come fight them. Spinning and spinning and spinning so none of the monsters would get at him from behind his back. But Vegas had not been kind to Cersei and here in this god-damned casino she had reached the limits of her control. She was drunk and she was losing and she was losing it as there was nothing she could do to change the facts. No one she could bribe, seduce or blackmail to get her way. Not even being a Lannister would help as everyone here was someone. It had been three days and she had lost more money than Jaime had spent in the last three years. He couldn't bear to watch. Not being able to leave her side either, he went away inside. Left his body sitting with Cersei. The shell of a shining white knight who was unable to protect anyone. Jaime was in a different place. Warm and soft and sunny. A beach. And a sea as blue as sapphires. A blue that wouldn't see him drowning – completely unlike the dark icy water that was Cersei and that had him constantly gasping for air. But no – no Cersei here. He pushed her away and focused on the warmth and the light blue sea. A sea to float on. 

But he slowly became aware of things happening around his actual body. The one he had left next to Cersei in Vegas. There were noises and people touching him but he didn't want to perceive any of this. He wanted to stay on that beach. But he had to protect Cersei, had to look out for her – where was she? Soft golden curls and a flash of green eyes, looking at a big man with a big beard – Robert Baratheon, billionaire. If anyone in here was actually really someone, it was him. Holding his sister, letting a hand slide down her back and to her ass. Cersei hated Robert. But not as much as she hated losing. Jaime saw his sister wink at him before she turned back to Robert, smiling coyly, letting her hand rest on his broad chest. A hand that had been around Jaime's cock only a few hours ago. Jaime felt sick and he just wanted to go back to that beach but people didn't let him. They wanted him to get up. So he did, downing his drink. He felt dizzy, the world spiraling around him, his body filled up with despair. Before he even knew it he was tumbling out of the casino and along a fluorescent street. Everything was upside down and falling apart. He stumbled into a phone booth, found coins and dialed a number he was never going to forget. Just to hear her voice, ever steady. He knew she didn't deserve this but the world around him was just spinning too much. 

  
**Brienne**

The pang Brienne felt inside her chest when she woke up to the phone ringing at 5am was the oddest mixture of relief, fear, joy, anger, affection and pain. A peculiar blend of emotions she was very familiar with. It had been months. She had been getting worried. That meant more worried than she constantly was about him. 

“Do you think there are any sharks in the Narrow Sea?” Jaime asked, his voice small. 

She gulped. He sounded terrible. She just wanted to cradle him in her arms and tell him everything was gonna be alright. But it wasn't. She also wanted to shake him to wake him from this nightmare. But there was no waking up from it. A different part of her wanted to slap him and tell him to fuck off. But he didn't need more pain. He also didn't need to be reminded of reality. Neither hers nor his. 

“No. They have been extinguished decades ago.” she said, willing her voice to be calm and warm. 

“Then that's where we should live.” he sounded almost hopeful now, almost happy. 

“That sounds nice”, she sighed. It did. 

“We would live in a trailer. A cozy one. Right by the sea. With Pod of course. I think he would come to really like the beach.” 

“As long as there's also a sofa for him to lie on”, Brienne chuckled, looking over to the large, three legged tomcat stretched out on her couch. Jaime had found him on the street and brought him to Brienne's apartment. In a different time, a different life. 

“And I'm sure he'd also have fun chasing after crabs. How is he doing?”

Brienne gulped again. This question hit too close to reality. Her reality. Or what remained of it after Jaime had left to run back to his sister. 

“He's fine. Still can't get him to lie in the catbed.” 

Brienne had wanted to establish rules when she took Pod in. Like not letting him on the couch. But Jaime would pout _but look at his cute little face and how will we cuddle him when he's not on the couch with us?_ Brienne had given in. Now Jaime was long gone and Pod was still more his cat then hers. Her cat wouldn't be allowed on the couch, after all. 

“Well, in our little trailer by the sea there will be the nicest catcouch Pod could possibly imagine. And a nice tiny kitchen where I can make pancakes for the two of you.” Jaime sounded enthusiastic now, yet still completely worn out. 

Yes, Pod liked pancakes. More than anything else. That's how much Jaime had spoiled that pet. 

“Jaime?”

“Yes?”

She hesitated. She knew what these calls were about. Knew they served to help him forget the raging mess around him. So as much as she wanted to ask _Where are you?_ and _How are you holding up?_ she settled for 

“I think Pod would love that.” 

There was a long silence. When his voice came back it sounded cracked. 

“I have to go.” 

“I know. Take care.”

He made an odd noise and for a moment he seemed to want to say something else. Then Jaime hung up. 

**Jaime**

He wasn't exactly sure what had happened. He had lost so much time. He had been in a phone booth talking to Brienne. Brienne. It had felt like ointment. Her steady voice, her calmness. Thinking about her and about Pod and about the life they would have together on that beach that his mind liked to run to. It had felt almost real. 

But now he was in his hotel room and the air condition made it too cold and he was sweating and shivering at the same time and he was opening the door to Cersei and she was smiling mischievously smelling like she had just fucked Robert Baratheon and telling him that that was exactly what she had just done. He felt her unzipping his fly while she pushed him into the room. He didn't want her but apparently his body did as he was rock hard in her hands. Now she was bending over the desk, pushing up her skirt. “That's how Robert just had me. I can still feel his cum dripping out of me.” So could Jaime and it made him angry and sick and sad and even harder. “Make me all Lannister again” commanded Cersei, pushing back against him. And he did. Not understanding why anyone would want to be a Lannister after all. 

  


**Brienne**

„He made his decision.“  
„It was not a decision.“  
„He's in an abusive relationship so you're in an abusive relationship by extension.“  
„It doesn't cost me that much to support him through these calls.“  
„It costs you moving on.“  
„Where would I move on to?“

Of course Brienne understood what Margaery was getting at and she highly appreciated her friend worrying about he wellbeing. But honestly. It was not like without Jaime's irregular calls she would be putting herself “out there” whatever that meant. It was not like before Jaime she had been putting herself “out there”. She had been content with what she had. She was extremely good at her job and that had always given her joy – it still did. She had never expected to share her life with someone other than her father and her friends who were fantastic people and made her happy. She had never looked for and never expected to find a partner. Then Jaime had tumbled into her life and had shown her a glimpse of a happiness she had never planned on. Now he was gone again and she could not imagine the gap he had left behind to be filled by any other person.  
He had also made her see a kind of darkness she had never been aware even existed. Not that she had ever been naive. She had been bullied most of her life and was very aware how mean people could be. But she had always had her home to return to. A safe space. And her father of whom she knew that he would support and protect her as much as he could. Brienne couldn't begin to imagine what it meant to grow up with the members of your family being the people bullying you. In a home that offered no safety, never knowing a place to turn to when things got unbearable. She knew Jaime had found a place like that in her. And still did, in a way, during those heartbreaking phone calls in the middle of the night.

“Brie, I know you are incredibly strong but I'm still worried. There's no happy ending to this.”  
“I know. I don't expect there to be one.”  
She had already gotten her happy ending when Jaime – the beautiful Jaime Lannister - first kissed her and she felt like rose petals were raining down around them. It was more than she had ever expected to get. She was not leaving him alone now just because he couldn't be with her the way she wanted him to be. She knew that this was twisted and she knew she had to be careful. But she also knew she wanted to be there for Jaime during this terrible war he was fighting with himself and with his sister. She didn't expect him to return. But she had decided to support him nonetheless.


	2. Now doesn't that sound sweet

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Brienne's notion of supporting Jaime is challenged, she gets another unexpected phone call and the name Lannister is all over the newspapers.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> With special thanks to LibKat whose comment made me rework some aspects of this chapter.

**Brienne**

“I know. I don't expect there to be one.”

As much as Brienne thought this statement was a perfect closing remark to her conversation with Margaery as little did it actually impress her friend. 

“Okay so you don't expect a happy ending for yourself but what do you even expect for him? Brie, I appreciate your decision to keep supporting Jaime. But are you really doing that by helping him stay with his sister?” 

“I'm not helping him stay with her. I'm helping him stay sane.” Brienne replied stubbornly. 

“But are you even? Talking about an imaginary beach life with him actually sounds a lot like helping him dissociate.” 

“Yes, that's exactly what it is. It's his main coping mechanism and I don't think he can be expected to give it up under the present circumstances. It's not like I haven't thought about this.”

At this, Margaery just looked at her, tilted her head thoughtfully and said: 

“Will you excuse me for a moment? I'd really like to make a phone call.” 

Brienne was slightly bewildered by this turn of the conversation. When Margaery returned a few minutes later she was beaming. Seeing Brienne's confused expression, her friend reigned in her wide smile and sat down looking more serious. 

“So… I guess you remember I started an embroidery workshop?”

Brienne did. Margaery had been trying her best to convince her to come along. Was her friend about to tell her that embroidery was going to save Jaime's soul? “Yes, I remember. It's on Tuesdays at The Womxn's Bookstore. But what does that have to do with anything?” 

“A lot actually. The teacher might be the most amazing person ever. She happens to be doing her postdoc on supporting trauma survivors. I really think you could benefit from talking to her. She already agreed to a meeting. Completely casual of course.” 

Brienne raised an eyebrow, having known Margaery for quite a while. “And you don't happen to be looking for an excuse to be spending time with this most amazing person?” 

Margaery grinned. “I might be – so I guess everyone wins.” 

\---------

Talking to Sansa Stark – the super hero who had time to teach an embroidery workshop while also being the youngest postdoc in the history of her university's psychiatry department – left Brienne deeply in thoughts. As much as she had immediately enjoyed Sansa's company – when Margaery barged into the quiet café where they had been meeting, Brienne was actually relieved. She needed time to process and it looked like Sansa and Margaery wouldn't miss her too much, both instantly lighting up in each other's company. So Brienne thanked Sansa sincerely, said her goodbyes to the two of them and left the café, deciding to go for a run in the park. Her apartment was just around the corner so she'd change quickly, feed Pod and be on her way again. 

\---------

When she entered her apartment Brienne heard the phone ringing. For a moment she thought in might be Jaime. But she knew it wouldn't, as he never called during the day. 

“Excuse me but is this the right number to reach Jaime Lannister?” the person on the other end of the line was clearly trying to sound casual and relaxed but Brienne felt like there was something else in their voice – a voice she was sure she had never heard before. 

“Who am I speaking to?” she asked cautiously.

“So is this or is this not Jaime Lannister's phone?” 

“It isn't. Why do you want to speak to him?” 

“I'd really rather tell him myself.” 

“Well, you can't as this is not his number.”

“Well if it isn't how would I benefit from telling you?” 

This wasn't going anywhere. Brienne had half a mind to hang up but this person might be trouble and might continue trying to find Jaime so she couldn't just let them go. She had to give them something. 

“I'm his wife.” even though it was the truth it felt particularly weird spoken on the phone like this, to a stranger. 

The stranger laughed “And I'm the God of Tits and Wine.” 

“Oh.” she paused. “You're his brother.” she paused again, unsure if this had been a smart thing to say. She just hadn't been able to fight the urge to show off how well she knew Jaime. Well enough to know that this was the kind of thing his younger brother Tyrion used to say. A brother Jaime hadn't seen or spoken to in years. Not since he had helped him escape the country after Tyrion had killed their father. Yes, right. “You killed your father” added Brienne, matter-of-factly. 

“You don't follow the news, do you, wife of my brother Jaime?” said Tyrion. 

“I -” she didn't. Well of course she did but she had a strict rule to not read or watch the news on weekends. Weekends were just for her, allowing herself to shut out the world. Except today she had let in Sansa Stark. “I only follow the news on weekdays.” she said, truthfully. 

“Well, you might be in for an interesting read on Monday then.” 

“What do you mean? Has anything happened to Jaime?” Brienne was alarmed. 

“If it had I definitely wouldn't be spending my time having this fascinating yet pointless conversation with my brothers alleged wife.”

“I am his wife.” 

“Well if you are I guess you would be the first person to know if something happened to him.” 

He was right. It had been one of the reasons to get married. 

“Anyway, wife of my brother Jaime – now that you have quite cleverly figured out my identity could you maybe tell your dear husband that his beloved brother called? I would really love to speak to him.” 

“I – I can't. Or -” she paused and then decided to ask Tyrion the one thing she never asked his brother. “Where are you right now?” 

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

**Jaime**

Jaime stared at the newspaper. Had been staring at it for quite a while now. He couldn't make sense of it. For him, letters had always had the annoying nature of just tumbling around on paper, not ever really falling into place. But this was different. There were many familiar combinations of letters here. TYRION. TYWIN. LANNISTER. MURDER. It still didn't make any sense and he didn't want it to. Tyrion had killed their father years ago. But with Jaime's help he had escaped. Their last encounter had been – he didn't wanna go there. Why was this in the papers now? It was so long ago and he had pushed it away and he was pushing it away now. The beach. But he couldn't take his mind to that beach anymore because he had talked to Brienne about it and he knew he had hurt her by doing so and now the beach just reminded him that he was scum. Constantly hurting the one person who had always been good to him. Brienne. He thought of her eyes and for a moment that made him calm down but then there were tears in those eyes and it was his fault and she was breaking down crying but he was leaving her anyway because he had to because Cersei was dying. Cersei who was all the family he had left and who had no one but him. Except by now he knew that it had all been a lie and Cersei had been fine – well as fine as Cersei could be – but now she had her claws inside him again and he knew he couldn't leave her. Not that he would have anywhere to go anyway because who would take in someone as soiled and broken as him. Brienne had done it once but that was before and he couldn't bear the thought of making her break down like that ever again. He had to leave her alone but the ground was shaking and the letters from the newspaper were dancing all around him and there was nothing he could possibly get a grip on. Except the phone. There was a phone next to his bed and he grabbed it and he dialed her number and his breath immediately became steadier.


	3. If you ever hurt me my revenge will be so sweet

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The evening news.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So...I'm continuing this angsty mess of a story. And switching to a entirely different pop song for inspiration. Comments are still (and will always be) highly appreciated.

**Brienne**

She wondered how the press had gotten a hold on this video. Even though it had been pixelated she was extremely surprised this was being broadcast on television. 

Brienne had never met Tywin Lannister. But knowing about all the damage this man had inflicted upon his children and the world in general, watching the woman that Tywin had clearly been planning to rape shoot him with an actual crossbow felt – 

“- oddly cathartic, right?” said Tyrion, as if he had read her thoughts. 

“How did this end up on TV?”

“Shae personally sent copies of it to a bunch of the more seedy channels. She thought that quite a lot of people would enjoy this and I don't think she was wrong.” 

“Jaime won't.” 

“No, he won't. That's one reason I've been trying to reach him.” 

When Brienne had arrived at the run down motel room about 15 minutes ago, Tyrion had greeted her with a mock bow and let her in, just to immediately switch on the television saying: “It's time for the evening news. This is gonna be good.” 

Brienne was unsure what to make of Tyrion. His dark humor reminded her of Jaime – a happier Jaime in a happier time. But while Jaime wore his heart on his sleeve (as much as he tried not to) and tended to be rather impulsive Tyrion was clearly a calculating man. 

She wondered what he thought of her. The ugly giant who had somehow managed to wed his brother. Again Tyrion seemed to be reading her mind. 

“You seem like the best thing that has ever happened to my brother – not that the bar is very high. But anyway. Why is he not with you?” 

“He's with Cersei.” Brienne said calmly. Tyrion's face fell. 

“She was diagnosed with leukemia about a year ago. She needed stem cell transplantation. As he's her twin the odds of their tissue types matching were rather high. Also her only other sibling was unavailable.” At this Brienne stared at Tyrion. Why was he here now? She had to close her eyes for a moment, drawing a deep breath. Remembering the day Jaime had gotten the news about Cersei was… a lot. They had been packing their bags for their honeymoon. 

“So did it work?”

“Pardon?” 

“The stem cell transplantation. Did it work?” 

“I – I don't know.” 

The look Tyrion gave her was unreadable. 

“So he went to rescue Cersei a year ago and never came back?” It was a statement, not a question. 

“He told me that this might happen.” 

_ Since the day my cock got hard for the first time I haven't spent time around my sister without fucking her. And I've never fucked her without forgetting about myself completely._ He had told her, his voice cold, his eyes full of pain. 

“He...” Brienne paused “He calls. Irregularly. He's not well.” 

“And what are you planning to do about this, wife of my brother?” 

Brienne stared at Tyrion blankly. 

“Why did you tell him it was you who killed Tywin?” 

“Because I was quite angry with my brother on that particular day. And also because I would have done it, had I gotten the chance. But it turned out Shae didn't need my help. When I came to her rescue she had already taken care of the matter.” 

“Do you have any idea what that did to him?” 

At this, Tyrion's expression changed. It got softer but also sad, full of regret. 

“I couldn't begin to assume.” 

**Jaime**

She didn't pick up the phone. She always picked up the phone but now she didn't so maybe she had finally realized he wasn't worth it and had never been. LANNISTER. MURDER. Why hadn't Tyrion killed them all? They had brought his little brother nothing but pain, all of them, including Jaime who had thought of himself as an exception for a while but really wasn't because he had been part of the biggest lie Tyrion had ever been told. His little brother – he missed him so much it might make him burst but he couldn't think about him without seeing him point a crossbow at his heart. TYWIN - he remembered his father as a rotting corps he'd had to stand next to for what felt like days just because Cersei had insisted on an open casket. 

Jaime heard his own breath get faster and faster and his heart seemed to be beating out of his ears and he knew he needed to calm down but Brienne hadn't picked up the phone and he would probably never hear her voice again which was definitely for the best but how was he gonna slow down his breathing. Go. Away. Inside. He willed himself to think of the woods. The woods he had been wandering through with Brienne. Birds were singing and there was a little stream and they were bickering about the best way to cross it and when she looked at him there was affection in her huge blue eyes. But he knew he wasn't supposed to be thinking about Brienne so it didn't really work and when the door to his room burst open he wasn't that far away which meant he saw Cersei and saw her eyes and they were green like his and they were so angry and so was her voice when she said

“Turn on the TV.”


	4. I'll tell you my sins, and you can sharpen your knife

**Brienne**

„My sister will feast on my brother's gentle heart until there is nothing left. Why didn't you go with him?”

“I offered. He refused.” 

“We have to find him and get him away from her.” 

“Jaime is not a stray dog. We have an agreement. He knows he just has to say one word and I'll come pick him up, no matter where he his. But so far he did not.”

Tyrion looked at her as if she was an extraordinarily weird kind of animal.

“Well I don't have this agreement with him and I will not let him go down with Cersei. Where did he last call from?” 

“I don't know. I never ask.” 

“Are you telling me you are letting your husband run rampant in unknown places with his soul eating monster of a sister and...”

Brienne cut Tyrion off 

“It's not my place to _let_ Jaime do anything. He is not my property.” she checked her watch. It was already half past four “I have to go. I'm meeting friends for a picnic in half an hour.” 

“You are the strangest person, wife of my brother Jaime.” 

“My name is Brienne. You know how to reach me. Have a nice day.” 

“I do. Enjoy your picnic, Brienne.”

“I will.” 

\-----

When she approached the pier, Renly and Loras were only half visible, their heads immersed in a huge newspaper they were holding up together. They didn't see Brienne until she was standing right next to them, clearing her throat. Renly looked like a child who was caught stealing cookies and quickly dropped his side of the paper, wrapping Brienne in a hug. 

“Brie – I know, no news on the weekends but I guess you...” he paused, guessing from Brienne's expression that yes, she knew what was all over the papers. “Is this something you would like to talk about?”

Brienne sighed, turning to Loras to also greet him with a hug before she replied. 

“I'd actually rather not. At least not now. This entire day has been about Jaime so far and I really don't want the rest of it to also be.” 

Renly smiled widely at this. 

“That can be arranged.” 

A few minutes later the three of them were sitting at one of their favorite spots, underneath an old maple tree, looking out over the lake. They were drinking wine from actual goblets that Renly had found when clearing out the basement of his family estate and they were snacking on grapes, cheese, bread and Lora's legendary mini quiches. 

“So, I hear my sister has a major crush on her embroidery teacher. Have you met this Wonder Woman yet?” asked Loras while spreading roquefort on a slice of flatbread. 

Brienne smiled, remembering the way Margaery had looked at Sansa and vice versa. 

“I have and she is indeed a fantastic person.”

“I'm surprised Margaery has time for an embroidery workshop, let alone for a crush – isn't she busy 24/7 planning world domination?” Renly asked, lying down, placing his head in Loras' lap. 

Yes, Margaery was incredibly ambitious. The Tyrells were not a wealthy family and Margaery had started planning to change this from early age. She had aced law school and was now one of the city's most sought after business lawyers. 

“Well, not everyone has the luck of just marrying an absurdly rich and absurdly pretty guy to then just chill through the days and be a toyboy through the nights” Loras said, grinning at his husband who was, as one of the three heirs to Baratheon Industries, in fact absurdly rich. “Anyway – Margaery seems to be quite serious about Sansa. She called an hour ago to inform us she will be bringing a plus one to grandmother's big birthday bash next week.” 

“Interesting choice of a first date” said Renly, popping a grape into his mouth “I still remember feeling as if the Queen of Thorns was going to eat me for breakfast – and you and I had been dating for months when I first met her. Not even mentioning the sermon she gave me when she found out I had proposed to her precious grandson.” 

“But we know she never truly disapproved or she would probably have poisoned your wine at the wedding.” replied Loras with a smile, running his hands through Renly's hair. 

“Trust me – if anyone will not be eaten for breakfast by Olenna it's Sansa Stark.” Brienne assured her friends “But speaking of the wedding – have you already made plans for the big anniversary?” 

“Well I was thinking Woodstock reenactment” declared Renly, sitting up again. 

Loras rolled his eyes at this but his husband just leaned over to kiss him mumbling “I just think you'd look smoking hot with a flower crown.” 

“Well honey, you're the one who doesn't have to worry about his family being scandalized.” 

“One of the many benefits of being an outcast. Also the family gossip still reaches me and it makes me not miss a thing. Apparently my big brother just bought a casino in Vegas because his love interest was losing her games.” 

“How chivalrous” said Brienne sarcastically. 

“Right? I immediately feel silly spending my part of the inheritance on being a” at this Renly did his best to mimic his brother Robert's grumbling voice “foolish social justice warrior.” 

Brienne smiled, full of affection for her friend who actually tried to change the world for the better. “Apropos the Rainbow Guard – can I ask you one work related question?” 

Renly sighed for dramatic effect. “That's the price I pay for picnicing with my Lord Commander on a Sunday. But yes, go ahead!” 

**Jaime**

Even though Cersei read them out loud the words on screen didn't make any sense to Jaime. 

NOSTALGIC KILLER WHORE ON THE RUN 

And then there was a picture and on the picture there was a chair – a huge chair that Jaime would recognize anywhere and anytime. But the man Jaime was used to see sitting on this chair was nowhere to be seen. Instead there was a woman in it. Her expression – thoughtful? And in her lap was – a sword? Yes a sword and the blade was stained with blood and it reminded Jaime too much of a different blood stained blade that had cut into his wrist one day, taking aways all of who he had been. 

He closed his eyes to not have to look at the blade but Cersei snarled “Oh don't be ridiculous.” so he opened them again and the blade was gone and instead there was his father's face, filling the screen completely. He was not a rotting corps now and when he stepped away from the camera Jaime could see the master bedroom of Casterly Rock. And then the bedroom door was opened and a woman was pushed in at it was the same woman that had just been holding the bleeding blade except her hair was longer and she looked younger and her expression was entirely different. Then his father spoke and his voice was exactly as cold as Jaime remembered it when he said

“You know I actually thought I had taught my son this particular lesson years ago but now it does seem like he needs a reminder.” 

And suddenly Jaime knew who the woman was and he knew what was going to happen so he just wanted to close his eyes again but he knew Cersei wouldn't let him so he looked at a different spot in the video and noticed the crossbow and it was hanging quite high up on the wall and he wondered how Tyrion had even reached it but he also really didn't want to find out. And then there was his father's voice again and he realized he had not missed it at all and he just wanted it to go away. 

“So how much will I owe you for an hour of your service?” 

“I do not offer my service to you.” the woman sounded calm and confident. 

“I don't think this will be for you to decide.” 

There was a long silence in which Tywin Lannister and the woman who Jaime knew had a name but he didn't want to think about it now just looked at each other, their faces blank. Then his father took out his wallet, taking out a bundle of banknotes, counting them carefully and placing them on the bedside table. 

“Lie down.” 

The woman's gaze had followed him, she still didn't say anything but suddenly she smiled and it did reach her eyes but it still seemed – off. 

“You know your son always regrets not being able to fuck me standing up?” 

His father raised an eyebrow. 

“I'm glad you have made your decision to cooperate.” and he led her to the huge desk that was up against the wall and that had the crossbow hanging over it. 

Jaime realized it before he saw it happen and even though he knew it couldn't be true he understood that it was when the woman suddenly made a quick movement that made his father fall over and she grabbed the crossbow and everything became a blur but that was not even just Jaime's perception, the video had turned into pixels in the spot where his father should have been. 

“I'm not afraid of a whore.” said the pixels. 

At this, the woman shot. 

“Well you should have been.” 

And then Cersei spoke, not on screen but next to Jaime, her body tense, her voice flat “I'm going to make them pay for sending this.” but just then the picture changed again and there was a newsreader in a TV studio and it took Jaime a moment to get what she was saying but yes she really did claim that Aerys Targaryen was dead and that he had been killed by the Nostalgic Murder Whore who clearly liked to use weapons from the middle ages as she had shot Tywin Lannister with a crossbow years ago and had been using a sword from Aerys' historic collection now. And now that this was known Tywin's son Tyrion had reappeared and was speaking to their correspondent just now – and suddenly Tyrion was on TV and he looked so different but also the same, just his little brother and Jaime's heart jumped. 

**Cersei**

Seeing Jaime's face when Tyrion showed up on screen almost scared her. But Cersei was not easily scared. She had prevented losing her twin to an ugly giant not long ago – she was not going to lose him to this equally ugly dwarf now. She switched off the TV and stood up, staring down at Jaime who was still sitting on the edge off the bed, gawking at the blank screen. Well, she did call him the stupidest Lannister for a reason. 

“He's not our family.”

“He didn't kill father.” Jaime sounded weak. It made her anger well up, an anger that felt like an intimate friend, a friend she had learned to control a long time ago. When Cersei spoke, her voice was ice. 

“His whore did. And he's the creature that killed our mother to come into this world.” she cupped Jaime's face with both of her hands and tilted it up, forcing him to look at her. “Everyone who isn't us is an enemy.” at this she kissed him and let her hands slide down his body, knowing this was the easiest way to control her twin. She remembered the very first time he had gotten hard for her, remembered how while his cock was getting bigger between her hands, Jaime as a person had become smaller and smaller. Until he was almost not there anymore and it felt like Cersei had two bodies that both were hers, fitting together so perfectly. 

But today it felt different and the kiss didn't make them one. When Jaime suddenly pushed her, almost making her fly through the room, Cersei was reminded that the body that was only hers was indeed the much weaker of the two. Jaime ran to the bathroom, slamming the door shut. She heard him retch. 

When he came back he looked miserable. Cersei had no use for miserable. 

“Let me know when you are back in shape.” she said, turning around, swiftly leaving the room. 

**Jaime**

“Let me know when you are back in shape.”

Cersei's request reminded Jaime of a rainy day, decades ago, in their secret hiding place near the school yard, when she had inspected his limp little Penis and commanded 

_Let me know when this starts working._

It was not a happy memory but it almost didn't matter right now because he had just made her go away. He had made Cersei go away and that was something he had never done before and never even thought he could do and it hadn't even been that hard just to pretend he was being sick. He remembered Tyrion and switched the TV back on and his brother's face was gone but Jaime just switched the channels and then Tyrion was there again and there was a big sign in the background that Jaime was even able to read and when he did he knew where to find his brother. 

And Aerys was dead end even though this was not how it was supposed to be because Jaime should have killed him and he should have done it years ago, before that building and everyone inside it went up in flames – at least he was dead now and Jaime felt like a weight that he hadn't even known had been there was lifted from his chest. 

Aerys was dead and Tyrion was not a killer.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Soooo...this was a tricky one to write but it felt like an important step in many ways. Writing still feels scary and I am grateful for every single comment and kudo.


	5. First I laughed and then I missed her

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sooo....in this chapter we'll meet a new character and I had a really hard time deciding which of her names to use in my fic. I'm more of a book reader than I am a show watcher but as I was still mostly thinking about Gemma Whelan's interpretation of the character I went for the name Yara. 
> 
> Also I borrowed the nickname Selwyn uses for Brienne from one of my favourite Braime fics ever (A Big Cop in a Small Town - if you haven't read it yet, you should). I'm not sure if it has been used in other fics that I've read by other writers as well - if yes, please send me a kind reminder so I can change this note accordingly.

** Brienne **

“What's up fuckers?” 

“A good evening to you too, Yara.” replied Renly, smiling, while Yara dropped down her backpack next to her friends. 

“Sorry for being late. But I brought vodka flavored ice cream. It seemed like something we'd wanna try.” She pointed at the newspaper that was sticking out of Loras' bag. “So are we talking about the Nostalgic Killer Whore or are we skipping that subject?” at this she looked at Brienne. 

“Skipping” Brienne and Renly said in unison. 

“I thought so. It's a terrible nickname anyway.”

Yara plopped down next to Brienne and reached for the wine. “So what _ are _ we talking about?” 

“Work, actually, thanks to Brienne.” Renly replied, rolling his eyes. 

“And about how hot I'd look wearing a flower crown.” added Loras. “How was Dorne? How's Ellaria?” 

“Last time I checked she seemed quite content. A bit out of breath maybe.” answered Yara with a smirk. 

Brienne caught herself thinking about Ellaria Sand being rendered breathless by Yara. She knew it shouldn't make her jealous and she realized it really didn't. Instead it gave her a warm feeling to know how happy Yara must have been to be able to spent a fortnight in Dorne with Ellaria. And maybe it even….turned Brienne on? Was that weird? She looked at Yara who had started preparing four bowls of vodka ice cream. She wasn't sure if she had missed her during the last two weeks but it definitely felt good to see her now. 

When Jaime left her Brienne had been extremely sure she'd never be interested in having sex with anyone who wasn't him. What they had shared had been too special, too personal and deep for her to be able to imagine doing anything similar with anyone else. 

But what she and Yara did together (on a by now almost regular basis) was just thoroughly different from what Jaime and Brienne had shared. It also was most definitely not what would qualify as “moving on” in Margaery's eyes. In fact Margaery called it _ the probably most surprising friends with benefits arrangement since Jon Snow and Mance Rayder _. Yara called it being fuckbuddies. Brienne mostly just didn't call it anything. 

Yara had started working for the Rainbow Guard about 7 months ago. Brienne had still been in a dark place back then, the impact of losing Jaime still fresh. Her colleagues at work all knew about the situation – all knew Jaime and had known Brienne and him as the immensely happy couple they had been. So in the months after he left they had given her the space she needed while still being supportive and kind. When Yara joined the Guard, Brienne had liked her no nonsense attitude from the beginning on but otherwise had not spent much time thinking about or getting to know her new colleague, being still immersed in her sadness. 

Until one day – Yara had been working for the Guard for about 3 months – she and Brienne had been scheduled to guard the monthly Glorious Queer Fuckfests at the Red Keep together. 

Brienne always made it a point to focus on her duties and the protocol at these events, but on this particular day there had been a stage and when a couple had taken that stage to have sex for everyone to watch, Brienne had found it increasingly hard to look away. She hadn't realized how obvious her interest was though, until Yara walked up to her, nodded towards the stage and asked bluntly “Does that turn you on?” 

Brienne had blushed furiously but decided to answer truthfully “It does and it …. it makes me miss my husband.” 

Yara had looked at her with a stern expression. “But he's not coming back, is he?” 

“No, he's not.” 

“Then it might be time to make some sex related memories that aren't also related to him.” 

Brienne had stared at Yara, unsure if the other woman had really implied what Brienne thought she had. 

“I don't think that is something I am ready to do.” she had answered eventually. 

“Well, when the time comes you'll know where to find me. I think your hot. Enjoy the rest of the show.” and at this, Yara had walked away. 

Brienne had been left dumbstruck. 

In the following weeks Brienne had caught herself thinking about Yara and her unexpected proposal more often than she wanted to admit. By then it had been more than half a year since she had been touched by hands that were not her own. And while having been content with what she could do for herself before she met Jaime, things were somehow different now. Also Yara was probably right: it would make sense to give her mind something to connect to that wasn't Jaime, when it came to sex. But Yara was also her co-worker, technically even her junior and at first that had seemed like a no go to Brienne. But the more she had thought about it she had figured they would clearly not be the first members of the Rainbow Guard to hook up – and most definitely not the last. Also it wasn't like hierarchies mattered much within the Guard and Brienne was extremely sure that Yara's suggestion had nothing to do with her rank. Also Brienne's new colleague really didn't seem like someone who would get herself into something she couldn't handle. 

It still hadn't felt like the honorable thing to do. Yes, Brienne found Yara attractive and liked spending time with her but she didn't even have a crush on her and she was definitely not ready – and might never be – to give her heart to anyone who wasn't Jaime. But then Yara had seemed to really have suggested only sex or had she? Brienne had caught herself wondering how Yara's hands, that looked so different from Jaime's, would feel on her. 

When a few weeks later Brienne and Yara had been guarding another Glorious Queer Fuckfest together and Brienne had caught herself being quite turned on by the whole event, she had made up her mind. 

When she walked up to Yara she even managed not to blush too much. 

“Yara?”  
“Brienne?”  
“Does your offer still stand?”  
“It sure as hell does.”  
“Well...can I give you a ride today after the event then?” the moment she had said it Brienne had realized what it sounded like and her face had turned crimson. But Yara had just met her gaze and replied “It's a deal.”she had already been about to turn around but Brienne had stopped her, reaching for her elbow.  
“But Yara?”  
“Yes?”  
“I want to make sure that you know I'm not looking for anything...well, I am not ready to be looking for a partner.”  
“Brienne. Relax. I just wanna fuck you.” 

When a few hours later Brienne had finally found out what Yara's hands felt like on her, it had taken her only minutes to come. 

“Hey Brie, are you daydreaming?” Loras playfully threw a grape at her. 

“Your vodka ice cream will melt.” added Yara, handing a little bowl to Brienne, fixing her with a smile. 

Yes, Brienne realized. She had been missing Yara. 

**Jaime **

_Aerys is dead and Tyrion didn't kill our father. Aerys is dead and Tyrion didn't kill our father. Aerys is dead and Tyrion didn't kill our father. _ It was like a mantra and it set Jaime into motion and he needed to be quick because just now Cersei thought he was sick and it meant she would stay away because she found him repulsive and that was his only chance. He looked at his suitcase but Cersei had bought it for him to _make him look like an acceptable travel companion again_ so it felt poisoned and he didn't even want to touch it but he needed to bring some things if he wanted to get to the place where Tyrion was with the sign in the background that said CROSSROADS. And then he remembered his duffel bag, the one he had gotten at the mall when he'd just met Brienne and of course Cersei had wanted him to get rid of it but he liked it and so he had just rolled it up and stuffed it into the front pocket of the suitcase. He took it out and it wasn't poisoned because it was blue and it made him hopeful and he just needed to figure out what to pack. He flinched when there was a sound at the door and his hear started racing but it was nothing and the door didn't open but he had to hurry up. He needed his wallet so he stuffed it in his back pocket and it wouldn't be much use because Cersei had spent all their money but he had some cash left and it was better than nothing. He opened the wardrobe to pack a change of clothes but Cersei had picked out all of them for him and he didn't even want to touch them. He wanted to buy something new once he was on his way but he knew it was a waste of money and he didn't even have that much so he took a deep breath and started looking through the things and there was a pair of pants that she had never liked that much on him and a dark blue shirt and he packed them quickly and he found a pair of underwear that he was sure she had never taken off him and what else did he need. He wished he still had the picture of Brienne that he has been hiding but Cersei had found it right in the beginning and she had laughed because to her Brienne was ugly because Cersei's eyes were full of hate and then she had burned it because she knew how much he hated fire. So there was nothing else to pack because Cersei had left him nothing at least nothing that was his and that she had not chosen for him. So he slung the bag over his shoulder and remembered he still had to put on his shoes and shoes were hard because Cersei didn't care to get him the kind that didn't need to be tied. But she had gotten him running shoes because running kept him in shape and running was what he was gonna do now so he'd wear those and they weren't even that hard to put on because he usually just kept them tied and slipped in and out. And then the shoes were on and there was nothing left to do but to actually run. He took a few deep breaths and opened the door and he was out of the room, then down the corridor and he didn't want to use the elevator because it made him feel trapped so he took the stairs, taking two at a time and then he turned around the corner to the lobby and he almost crashed into Cersei and Robert. 

“Jaime. Are you going for a run? I thought you were sick.” Cersei tried to sound concerned and curious because Robert was listening but there was an undertone and it gave him goosebumps but not the nice kind. 

“I was gonna go for a walk.” he knew she wouldn't believe him but what else was there to do and he had to try at least. 

“With a” Cersei wrinkled her nose “duffel bag?” she raised an eyebrow and he knew the bag made her angry because he shouldn't even have it anymore and he got scared and he really didn't want to speak at all but he remembered Tyrion and that he had to keep trying. 

“I….I soiled my clothes. I wanted to throw them away.” Cersei looked grossed out now but she also didn't look like she believed him and he had been so stupid to think he could just run and now she would never forgive him thinking about what that meant made his stomach turn. 

“Really? And when did that happen as you are clearly wearing now what you have been wearing all day?” it was like the start of an attack but it was not a thing you'd really say and Robert looked bewildered and Cersei saw that too and it made her soften her voice. 

“ I don't think you should be walking around alone when you are feeling under the weather. We will come with you. And I think there's no need to bring the bag. It can be disposed of by the maids.” 

Robert didn't look pleased as he was clearly not the kind of man that went for walks but Cersei demanded it and weren't they all really just her puppets and so Robert grunted his approval and Cersei walked up to Jaime saying “wait, there's lint on your shoulder” and then her hands were on him pretending to brush the lint away and she leaned close and whispered in his ear. 

“No one walks away from me.” 

** Brienne **

They never went to Brienne's together. She knew it was silly but she didn't feel ready to sleep with anyone else in the bed she had shared with Jaime. It also meat that Brienne never spent the night with Yara because she would have no way of knowing if Jaime had called. After the conversation Brienne had had with Sansa today she realized that this was a problematic pattern. But she knew today had very likely been an extraordinarily rough day for Jaime and she did want to be there if he called. So spending the night at Yara's would have to wait and when the picnic came to an end Brienne had made up her mind about what to suggest to her friend. 

While Loras and Renly were busy picking up their stuff and making out Brienne asked Yara:

“Would it be okay if we went to my place today?” 

Yara raised an eyebrow. “Sure.” 

So half an hour later they entered Brienne's apartment and Pod looked at them lazily from the couch. Yara's face lit up when looking at the cat. 

“Is it okay to touch him?” she asked Brienne. 

“Yes. He likes being scratched behind his left ear.” replied Brienne and watched Yara sit down next to Pod who started purring immediately when she did exactly that. 

Yara's look fell on a picture of Jaime, Pod and Brienne that was standing on the coffee table. She didn't say anything but Brienne felt uncomfortable. She was sure Yara thought it was a terrible idea to still have pictures of Jaime around. The husband who was not gonna come back. Brienne drew in a breath. Maybe inviting Yara over had been a terrible idea. 

“Are you okay? You look stressed. Am I being to intrusive?” 

Brienne took another deep breath. “No..it's just...Can we….can we just start making out? I think it will make me more comfortable.” 

“Are you sure?” 

Brienne met Yara's gaze. “Yes, I am sure.” at this she approached Yara who had stood up from the couch. They met in the middle of the room for a kiss that quickly turned fierce. Brienne hadn't realized until now how much she had been longing for Yara's touch and small moan escaped her as Yara pushed her backwards against the wall and started running her hands slowly over her body, taking many pleasant detours but eventually traveling down to her waistband. At this Yara broke the kiss to look up at Brienne and ask “ May I?” Brienne only managed a nod and her breath hitched when Yara started unbuttoning her pants. 

And then, the phone rang. Brienne closed her eyes for a moment, grinding her teeth. 

“I...I'm really sorry but I have to take this.” 

Yara immediately stopped touching her and gave her space to move. Brienne quickly buttoned up her pants before she rushed to the phone. 

“Pumpkin?” 

“Oh….hi dad.” 

“Are you okay dear? You sound agitated.” 

“Yes, I_m fine. I'm just … having a friend over.” 

“A friend?” she could practically hear Selwyn raise his eyebrows. “Well I'm glad to hear you are putting yourself out there again.” 

“Dad! I'm not….”

“Well I was actually just calling to check on you. I know you don't read the news on weekends but I guessed today they might have reached you anyway.” 

“They have.”

“So would you like to talk about it?” 

“I….” And in this very moment Brienne realized that yes, she did. She wanted nothing more than to talk to her father about the overwhelming day she'd had. About how the conversation with Sansa had made her understand that she had done so many things wrong when trying to support Jaime, about her odd encounter with Tyrion that had woken her worst fears regarding Jaime's present situation. About how worried she was about him seeing the video of his father being murdered and how helpless it made her feel to have no way of contacting him to make sure he was okay.

She realized Yara was looking at her, her expression – as often – unreadable. She picked up a notepad and pen that were lying on Brienne's coffee table and wrote in capital letters. 

CAN U CALL HIM BACK IN 5 MIN.? 

Brienne was surprised as it had seemed clear to her that ending the conversation with her father quickly – and most definitely not calling him back – was the only appropriate thing to do. But Yara gave her a look that seemed to say _ I know what I am doing _

“Dad? Can I call you back in 5?”

“Yes of course but I thought you had a guest. I do not want to intrude.” 

“I do but she's holding up a sing that tells me to call you back in 5 minutes and she really looks like this is non-negotiable.” 

“She?” Selwyn chuckled. “I'll guess I'll talk to you in 5 minutes then, pumpkin.” 

Brienne hung up the phone and looked at Yara quizzically. 

“Brienne, I really appreciate that you've invited me to your home. But I know you must have had a rough day and if talking to your father is what you want to do now that's perfectly fine and understandable. I know you're all about honor and doing the right thing and you probably think you can't send me away blue balled. But that's not even a thing. You don't owe me anything.” 

“Are you really sure? I mean, I was actually really enjoying myself just now. It's just….it _ has _ been a rough day.” 

Yara smiled “I figured you had been enjoying yourself. We'll continue another time. Either here or at my place or wherever you feel comfortable. Any bed is fine for me, really. Well, I guess we don't even really need a bed.” at this, her smile turned into a smirk. 

Brienne smiled at Yara cautiously, still not entirely comfortable with making her leave like this. “Thank you Yara.” she eventually replied, realizing how grateful she actually was for everything Yara had just said. 

“Nothing to thank me for. I'll see you tomorrow at work.” Yara gave Brienne a kiss on the cheek, took her backpack and left.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was another tough one to write. I'll be super grateful for comments that let me know how I am doing with this weird little story.


End file.
